Be careful what you wish for, because you may get it.

The Prisoner: "What do you want?"  Number 2: "INFORMATION".

"Aerodynamics are for people who cannot build engines" - Enzo Ferrari   

BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. -A. Bierce  

You can't confuse me, I'm already confused. 

Right or wrong, G O  A H E A D !

"I'm doing my best."  'Well, we'll have to do better than that - won't we?'

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.

PATIENCE: A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. -Ambrose Bierce  

Why do people park in driveways and drive on parkways? -Larry Anderson   

Rich or poor, it's nice to have money. 

STOCK MARKET TIP: Buy low, sell high.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted ... -MPFC

Q: What's the difference between a duck?   A: One of its feet is the same.

What's brown and sounds like a bell?  DUNG. -Monty Python's Flying Circus

You can have any color you want, as long as it's black. -Henry Ford     

If God had meant man to fly, he would have given us tickets. -Benny Hill 

PHONOGRAPH: An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises. -A. Bierce

POSITIVE: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. -Ambrose Bierce          

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Chances are that if your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
 -Jackie Vernon

You can't cheat an honest man. -W C fields 

Remember,you're fighting for this woman's honor - which is probably more 
than she ever did.-Groucho Marx  

The only difference between death and sex, after death you're not nauseous.
-Woody Allen    

In the long run, we are all dead. -John Maynard Keynes  

Woman "I've got the body of a 16 year old". Benny Hill "Well give it back,
you're getting it all wrinkled". 

TB or not TB, that is the congestion. Consumption be done about it? Of cough,
of cough. -Woody Allen 

Woman "How do you like children?". W C Fields "Well done".

COMPUTER WISDOM: If it ain't fixed, fix it. If it ain't broke, break it.
                 If it's fixed, leave it alone. If it's broke, replace it.

Frenchy Bordagaray on being fined & suspended for spitting at an umpire -
           "The penalty is a little more than I expectorated."

The first fourteen words of George Orwell's  "1984".
'It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.'

The last eleven words of George Orwell's "1984".
    'He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother.'

I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides,
the pig likes it. - George Bernard Shaw

Look for the following signs that you're celebrating too hard:
1) You don't know where you are. 2) Neither does the pig wearing your pants.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, 
it's one of the best. -Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad.  The good sleep 
better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. -Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, 
I definitely overpaid for my carpet. -Woody Allen

Why does man kill?  He kills for food.  And not only food: frequently 
there must be a beverage. -Woody Allen

The lion shall lie down with the lamb, but the lamb won't get much sleep.
 -Woody Allen

Twice: Once too often. -A Bierce